Ego Death Testimonials

Here is some of the feedback that we have received from readers who had Ego Death experience.

‘Hello,
Let me introduce myself, I am 23 years old and going through my last year of undergraduate studies in New York.
The reason for this e-mail is my experience with ego-death when I was 15 – something that was very painful and from which it took me so long to recover, I am not sure I did yet, and I did not actually identify it before not so long ago.
Yesterday was the first time that I realized how it was important to me to try to understand what I went through and how it affected me.
I found  your website by googling ego death and repercussions. Yesterday, I was having a discussion with two very good friends, and describing them the exact thing you describe as “enlightenment” in one of your articles. Although I also associated with feelings of terror. We can come to it from both sides, empowerment or terror, but when it reaches its ultimate stage it is neither one nor the other, it is nothing and everything at once. I was telling them that we all have this feeling sometimes and that I saw my life as a pursuit of this trying to achieve it from all kinds of emotions (music, philosophy, love, adventure, friendship…)
After they left, it made me think of this experience with Mexican mushroom I had when I was 15. An experience that has never left my mind since.
It was a beautiful day of spring, me and my friend did not go to school in the afternoon and decided to take the mushrooms (I had been at this time, reading about entheogens on various forums and websites for 2 years, being attracted to them for their spiritual side, I did not know and still not know exactly what I was looking for) So it was finally the day where I was going to jump the gap from reading about experiences to living them myself.
I will not describe the entire trip, which began in an amazing way, I could not stop laughing with my friends, had slowly more and more visuals, it was great. And then I began to loose my body. At this stage I was still me, I could see the world like I was a camera, but I had lost my body and I remembered trying to understand where it was, although I could still see and communicate with the real world. Then I had to sit down because it became more and more intense. At some point my eyes stopped communicating with the world, I was still me and my eyes were opened, but what I saw was like a delirium and had no connection whatsoever with anything actually in front of me (at some point everything was black and I was a big yellow ball bouncing, one of my friend was another big yellow ball, but that’s all there was – it felt like a dark forest).
Anyways, this became uncontrollable as I was hit faster and faster by different visions – deliriums. Then Suddenly there was like a lifting feeling, has if my weight was gone and I would be able to float in the air, and my body became a puzzle, I could feel the puzzle of the world. And then suddenly there was nothing, it is like a halo of light, everything is this halo of light, I don’t know who I am, where I am, but I don’t EVEN KNOW what it MEANS TO BE SOMEONE.
And this felt as if it was a very long time, then I came back, and during the rest of the trip, going back down, I was next to my body (it felt this way) and it felt as if I could not understand what was going on: I kept on asking my friends what was going on.
I would hold objects in my hand, look at them, see them, but not know what they were…
What happened after that is I did not know what had happened to me and I thought all of my friends had experienced the same thing, but none of them had even slightly gone off the earth (they described thing that had nothing to do at all with the intensity of my experienced: they simply talked about wall paint melting, walls breathing….)
For a while after this I was not the same, I was off, and I thought, as did all my friends, that I had lost something, the intensity in my eyes was gone, it looked as if I was not there and it felt a little like this for at least a week. Since this, I have not been able to smoke weed and not become utterly stupid (at least towards the real world because I have the most amazing experiences with myself) but I developed this shame about who I was and this fear of having become stupid (which I have not because I am still succeeding with what I want). But having my friends constantly remind me that they thought that I was not the same and that I seemed off,  less dynamic, that I was not that interesting anymore etc… Became a huge topic of self-consciousness for me.
I fell in love that summer and for the next two years lived the most fusionnal of passions, which was in itself a state of enlightenment for these two years. I called it love, I never made a connection with my ego-death, I don’t know if I should. What is a matter of fact is that I look for this feeling of fusion with the world in everything, and my life has been hurt by it because I do not find pleasure in every day life things and interactions. I want intensity in everything (as I described earlier: (music, philosophy, love, adventure, friendship…). Although it has provided me with the desire and fulfillment of living very intense experiences and to be fully intuitive for certain things, I have been depressed for the past two years. This desire for  intensity, to make everything magical, live as if I was living my owns ream, which  was my dearest characteristic, has become like filling a bucket with a whole in it, for ever. It feels like a hunger I will never satisfy and I have been withdrawing from the world…
I have been thinking that there might be a connection with this intense experience I went through about 7 years ago. Because I read in your articles that it stays with you for ever. The problem is that I did not identify it and so I did not use the experience as an opportunity to reconstruct myself (hell I was so young I did not even know who I was yet…)
It is the first time I share this with someone because no one around me has been able to understand this experience.’
– Maxime
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‘I was laying in my bed, I don’t remember anything before that (which is bad to me because I’m not sure how I can make it happen again) and it was like sunset lighting in my room, really orange/yellow and it seemed like it had depth. It kind of felt like the universe was going to collapse and I was going to die, but it felt like I could stop it with my thoughts. So I was “holding on” pretty strong, but eventually I kinda let go of my worries and just experienced it. I’m not sure if I died or not because all I remember is blacking out. I then had a short dream that I was laying in my bed and my dad and sister were standing in my doorway. It felt like I had to lay there forever because I did something wrong. Then I blacked out again.

I didn’t know anything about it, so when I woke up I was just like wtf was that, and how did the whole world not know what just happened lopl. It was pretty intense, but not a full experience it seems like. Kinda like a sneek peak or something.

I think after the experience it made me much more spiritual, but is also seems like it was possible because of my spiritual growth. And now that I know what it was I want to try other psychedelics. I don’t know if I’m doing my ego death justice describing it though. It seemed very powerful. I just wish that maybe if I would have known what it was it could have been better, and maybe wouldn’t have ended the way it did, to go further in the experience. And at first I was really scared.

I linked your site to one of my friends, and he said he has experienced a couple ego deaths on shrooms. I think he said one happened when he held his breath. Do you know how you can cause an ego death instead of just stumbling upon it on accident? Mine seemed like it was kinda building up, like before believing like I was in different dimensions and stuff.’

-Alex

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